“Gratitude is more than the greatest virtue; it is also the mother of all virtues.” -Cicero 50 BC

If gratitude is so vital to finding happiness and fulfillment, why do so many people ignore practicing gratitude and struggle through life not experiencing it? And why for many of my early years was I one of those people? Read further and I will explain.

In his book, Invitation to a Journey, David Mulholland defines gratitude’s greatest enemy: “Anxious Care”. Mulholland writes, “Care naturally arises when we are driven by the need to order and control our own lives”. He explains that care is a natural response to events around us, but then explores the emotional condition of excessive care beyond what we can control or what is healthy–which he calls “Anxious Care”. This hyper-focus on controlling outcomes, even well-intentioned ones, “leads people to expend enormous amounts of energy to defend their tenuous control over their lives” rather than expending positive energy through recognizing all of the good in their lives. “Anxious Care can become a consuming passion that mis-shapes all relationships, all events and all activities of one’s life”.

I think of Anxious Care as the antithesis of Gratitude. Where gratitude is being thankful for what we have and acting out of that joy, Anxious Care is being preoccupied with what we don’t have and constantly acting out of excess stress to control outcomes.
Some of us may have a personality type that is more serial project manager than joyful contributor. Others of us may have had significant life challenges from growing up that shaped us into relentless problem solvers. Still others may be a bit entitled thinking that we earned what we have or deserve the good in our lives rather than being grateful. Busyness or “just too many things to do” is yet another culprit hindering us from pausing long enough to feel gratitude. Reflect for a minute on the Three Great Lies we speak so much about in the Forum:

I am what I accomplish
I am what I have
I am what people think of me

It is not that accomplishments, possessions and popularity are not good. They can be! But when they become the outcomes we relentlessly chase for our self-worth, when accomplishments, possessions and popularity become our master, Anxious Care takes over–making grateful living impossible.

How can we possibly obsess over outcomes, whether noble or unhealthy, that are largely out of our control and experience gratitude at the same time? The lesson I learned from my early life was that I couldn’t.

While entitlement and possessions have never defined me, an outsized problem-solving mentality and chasing accomplishment and prestige were clearly part of my inventory earlier in my life. And, along with doing much that I am proud of, I still suffered from an emotional attachment to accomplishments and reputation for reasons we have discussed. Sometimes I wondered whether I was too busy chasing things to notice more beauty and goodness. Or was I choosing busyness and achievement over noticing more beauty out of fear I might not find any? Sounds like a living example of Anxious Care to me.

As you all know, my journey from Anxious Care towards greater gratitude began as part of my spiritual journey with Fr.Jerry McKevitt at Santa Clara over 15 years ago. With great love and care he taught me–the driver, the accomplisher, the fixer, and the achiever– that “gratitude, heart stopping gratitude, is the key to life.” Jerry’s words and example were a game changer for me: gratitude for being loved and forgiven (by my God), gratitude for my gifts and how I was using them, gratitude to be able to love and be loved, gratitude for small things, gratitude for lessons learned from challenges. Jerry found something in all things to be grateful for and that taught me, over the years, to do the same. That ongoing journey keeps teaching me that a more grateful life is always within reach if I have the desire to practice it.

We practice yoga, nutrition, fitness and meditation. We practice hobbies like music, dance and golf. Whether you are a naturally gifted musician, athlete or intellect, or working hard to succeed, the key to getting better is practice. And I, like so many, have found the same is true with gratitude–practice.

Regardless of whether we are naturally grateful or working toward having greater gratitude, setting the intention can give us more of “this virtue that unlocks all others”. As Eff says, “the greater the athlete, the more they practice. Why is that? Because they have an insatiable desire to get even better than they are.” If Misty Copeland, Steph Curry, or the Dalai Lama can joyfully practice their craft for hours each day–even at their level–all of us might consider taking a few minutes each day to practice our craft of leading ourselves, starting with the gift of gratitude.

So to all of our CCL community, how about we dedicate ourselves to one or two practices of gratitude over the coming 30 days? And, think of how we might inspire each other at our meeting in January through sharing our experiences and exploring the experiences of others.

A few suggestions to consider over the next 30 days:

1) The minute we wake up, before we check our mobile or mental “to do” list, think of two to three things we can be grateful for this day. Don’t just mention them. Take a minute on each one and consider why it’s real to you. Try to take it from your head to your heart and live it for one day.

2) Before one meeting each day, take two minutes to reflect on things to be grateful for in that relationship you are about to engage in–no matter how difficult or easy it is–and bring that spirit into your meeting.

3) Listen to the Dalai Lama’s story from the Book of Joy excerpt on Gratitude in this month’s issue of the Forum Monthly. Take a really difficult challenge you have faced in the last five years. Can you find something to be truly grateful in your life today because of that challenge? Can you hold on to the gifts from that challenge yet?

To all of our CCL community, wishing you a wonderful Christmas and Holiday Season. May you be blessed this season with a feeling of gratitude beyond your dreams.

-Chip Adams